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Sir, I will not hesitate to beat your ass with your own shoe. - Badfic: The Daily Spork [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Badfic: The Daily Spork

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Sir, I will not hesitate to beat your ass with your own shoe. [Nov. 25th, 2005|10:10 pm]
Badfic: The Daily Spork


[Current Mood |sickEEEHH! My EYES!]
[Current Music |Captain planet themesong]

Here we go. It's bad. It a many membered sue.

Title: A Pirate's Life For Me Can we assume something of sue-ness from the title already?
Criminal: Phantomess08 Perhaps her name suggests she's part of another sue-ridden genre (but more on that later!)
Fandom: Pirates of the Caribbean (poor, poor johnny)
Spelling and Grammar: Suprisingly, not bad. It's the plot that's just *WRONG!!!*
Notes: Other characters galore! Thing is, they actually refer to Will Turner as being Orlando Bloom and Cap'n Jack as Johnny. These are 14 year old fan girls. They should be BURNED!!! Plus, I think poor Jack would have to drink himself to death before he laid a finger on these teen horrors.
Rating: 4/4-Abysmal

Orlando Bloom walked over to the railing of the top deck of the Black Pearl and looked out over the rest of the ship. He stood there for a minute, just looking. Where was everyone? Everything? The equipment, the director, the staff? Anything?
Yes, Orlando, you were just too stupid to realize that you had just been caught in a sue

Johnny Depp walked away from the wheel. “What’s wrong with you, Willy?” he asked jokingly, using his nickname for Orlando’s character, Will Turner. He walked up beside him and stood at the rail.
"Willy?" Is this "Ass Pirates of The Caribbean" or just "Pirates of the Caribbean"? " Hey Willy, Can you pour some more scrumptious sunscreen on my back?" said Johnny.

All of the sudden, a huge thud could be heard from the deck below, cutting off whatever Orlando was going to say Because "Willy" deserves to be silenced . Both men whirled around to stare in shock at what they saw. Johnny also preceded to kill himself because of the onslaught of horror the sue provided

Standing on the deck was four teenagers Fantastic Four! Activate!. As Orlando and Johnny stared, the teens-two girls and two boys-got to their feet and began dusting themselves off. The two guys were dressed as pirates and the girls as ladies. Is this "Ass Pirates of the Caribbeans?" cried the two boys, looking like a pair from the wildly popular show "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Oh, and I figure girls are 'ladies', unless one refers to them as 'bitches' all the time One more note! Why would they be in pirate costume when johnny and orlando are still alive!!!

“Who are you?” Johnny asked suspiciously Johnny realized that a sue had surrounded him. Run Johnny Run!!!. He was tired of fan girls trying to get the two actors attention. Really?! And you're writing a sue? Hmmm....can we say "hypocrite"....

“The more important question,” said the taller girl, without looking up as she continued to dust herself off, “is who are you?” Since she has to be the innocent little fan-girl who doesn't know who Johnny Depp, the hugely famous movie star is

Orlando and Johnny continued to stare at her speechlessly The stars had realized they had been suckered into a sue. They were contemplating whether to kill the four or to just kill themselves. When she didn’t hear a reply she spoke up, “Well?” She looked up, waiting for an answer Don't look em' the eyes, Johnny, they're known to lower brain cell counts with one look. Heather gasped when she saw the two actors standing at the rail above her. “Oh my gosh!” she gasped, making everyone look up
Oh mah gawsh!! When did names start coming in? These girls are making my brain hurt! LOOK AWAY JOHNNY,PLEASE FOR DEAR LIFE, LOOK AWAY!!!. Paige’s mouth dropped open as she repeated Heather The Retards Have Awaken

“Well, now that you know who we are, who are you?” Johnny asked, giving the girls one of his sexy smirks.
Sues aren't deserving of a johnny-smirk! How dare she! Take your time to kill them, Johnny! They'll be completely oblivious!

Scot and Clay were first to step forward and introduce themselves The boys then went into a state of ass-grabbing that reached giant, grossening proportions!. Then, they had to introduce the girls as well because they were still in shock. Orlando and Johnny exchanged glances when they heard Heather’s last name was Turner OMG!!111! What a coincidencE! They are both turners! HELLO!!!! ORLANDO BLOOM IS NOT WILL TURNER!! *insert ellen blarfing sound here*

“Nice to meet you, but, what are you doing here? And, how did you get here?” Johnny once again spoke up. Just kill em', Johnny! No one will know! Pull a Secret Window!

“Well, we’re not sure why we’re here.” Clay answered honestly. This isn't the Twilight Zone!It's another horribly written SUE!

“But, we got here by magic.” Heather also spoke honestly. Yeah, by magic, you mean that powered stuff you snorted in your boyfriend's basement just previous to this event

“What!” Johnny and Orlando exclaimed in unison. “Are you sure you’re okay?” Orlando asked in concern. Oh yes, because Johnny and Orlando exclaim in a sort of gay unison. What's next? Choreographed Dance-off moves?

Heather gave them The Look. “Magic,” Heather repeated, “We got here by magic.” Yes Magic! You know, what that guy on Hwy 40 sells out of the firework stand? You guys are movie stars! Surely you know what I'm talking about! Paige was starting to recover from her shock. “And that’s what’s taking us home right now!” Aww, a sue-let pretending to be upset with the sue. Yes, the hot movie stars will make everything better, because they are the freaking wizards of OZ!Heather looked up at the sky, “Andrew! This is not funny! You fix this right now!” Nothing happened. “Andrew!” Still nothing. And God's new name was Andrew because Jehovah was really outdated.

“Great! Just great!” Heather muttered to herself Sue-Bitch Scene. She flicked her hands at some empty barrels stacked nearby, taking her anger out on them Yeah, beating up barrels realling calms the nerves. Take that you bastard barrel! . However, instead of blowing up right away, the explosion delayed a couple of seconds Sue Implosion Scene Delayed Until Further Notice. Not much of a difference, but enough for Heather to notice. Heather stopped her pacing and looked at her hands and then at the remains of the barrels. Then heather saw the miniscure scratch on her perfect milk-white hands and a crack in two of her superbly manicured nails and about died from the grief that racked her body.

Once again Orlando and Johnny stared at the newcomers in complete and total shock. Both were thinking the same things: had they really just seen that? and, had it actually been real? Had a sue actually used her brains? No, those were just ready-to-break movie prop barrels, but the sue was so happy that no one could bear to tell her.

Heather flicked her hands at another empty barrel. This time the delay was even longer. “Paige?” Paige? Are you planning another jumping-out-of-Bobby's Cake thing again? Because these would be perfect to burst out of! *crazy beach music ensues

Paige motioned to Scot and he froze. “Try to move,” she instructed him. Scot’s fingers twitched and managed to blink a couple of times. “Uh, oh.” Paige said as she unfroze him. oh now the sues have magic powers! Harry Potter look out! But, hey, you know what is most effective against a magic sue? A bullet to the sue's head

“Hey, try to apperate up there.” Heather told Paige, pointing to the upper deck where Orlando and Johnny stood. Paige nodded and disappeared. Slowly she reappeared behind the actors. AAAAH! ARE WE IN FUCKING HARRY POTTER OR IN PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN? THE GIRLS AREN'T THE EFFING WEASLEY TWINS!

“It works!” she yelled down to her friends, making the actors jump and spin around. She then began to hump the poles behind to characters in an act of primal sue want, hoping the males would appreciate her cry for love

“Good! Now come back down.” Heather yelled up. Paige began to fade out and had almost managed to disappear completely when she fully reappeared still in the same place. Paige leaned over the railing, “I can’t!” Don't you see Heather? It was that LSD we took! We're still in Jed's basement tripping over chairs! That isn't Johnny and Orlando! That's Rufus and Lloyd, Jed's dogs!

Heather frowned, “Now what are we gonna do? How are we going to get home?” she sighed in frustration. "Take some more 'magic'!" Paige cried. They then pulled out their wondrous wands (a.k.a. Crack Pipes) and began to perform numerous spells!

“How did you do that?” Johnny asked Paige in fascination. One word Johnny: Sue.

“What are you?” Orlando blurted out, unable to contain his question any longer. He blushed, “Sorry, that was rude.” Ah, Willy had a question! Is he a 8 yr old school boy now? Seriously, someone who dated Kate Bosworth is acting like a retard in front of a sue. And Orlando, SHE'S A SUE!

Heather faintly smiled. “It’s okay.” She paused for a minute before plainly offering, “We’re witches of course she meant 'sues', but sues really can't admit their true nature,” without a further explanation. However, Clay gave one.

“The girls, and their other friend, Alyssa are witches They first fucked up Harry Potter, now they've come to your fandom to destroy everything your movie stands for. Sorry For the Inconvience. They protect our city from demons and stuff Oh yes, because the sues are so bright that they can defeat demons of Harry Potter proportions. Tonight we went trick-or-treating for fun and then to another friend’s Halloween party. We were on our way home and the girls were talking about Pirates of the Caribbean and stuff Then one of them said, "Hey, why don't we go bang Orlando and Johnny? It'll be fun. They totally love dumb-yet-magical fangirls. Before we knew it, we were sucked into a time portal and ended up here Because the time porthole knew what we wanted to do to you two sexy actors, duh!.”

The girls continued to pace their two separate decks, worry etched onto their faces. “Ok,” Johnny nodded, “so, who’s Andrew?"

Scot took up the story now. “He’s a fourteen-year-old boy who lives with the girls His real name is Andrewlina, but he gets embarrassed when call him that. And the school we go to totally trusts us not to sleep with him b/c he's well... Gay!. We rescued him from a nasty demon a couple of months ago yeah, his boyfriend wasn't too handsome. He’s a warlock WARLOCK IS A MALE WITCH, NOT A DEMON YOU DUMASSES! with special powers over time and portals and the sort. He hasn’t completely harnessed his powers yet, so he probably sent us here by accident,” he explained. By now Orlando was even nodding in understandment Yes, Orlando, fall into the sues trap.

Heather groaned and stretched out on her back on the deck, rubbing her temples. She was beginning to get a headache. “That kid is nothing but trouble,” she grumbled Where's Andrew when I need his ultra-fabulous beauty-buddy back rub? cried the sue.

Suddenly something off the port side caught Johnny’s eye. “Willy, gimme the spyglass, please Yes, Willy, said Johnny in a gay voice, hand me your special spyglass. I need to work wonders with it.” Orlando obliged. Heather and Paige looked at each other in amusement. The please part was so un-Jack Sparrow-like. Him, why wouldn't Johnny be like Jack Sparrow? Maybe because Jack Sparrow is a fictional character, you dumass sues!

“What is it?” Orlando asked, concerned.

“With our luck, it’s probably another pirate ship!” Heather grumbled loudly for everyone to hear. How they made her grumble such a valley-girl sounding phrase is beyond me

Johnny chuckled. Suddenly he stopped and frowned. “It is,” he said in shock.

Paige walked over to stand beside him. “Are you sure?” Johnny nodded and handed over the spyglass to her. She took it gratefully. No, princess, I'm blind, I was just making something up to make you happy--here's your sign

Paige’s mouth dropped open. “Oh no, not again.” She hand Johnny the spyglass. Heather scrambled up and made her way to the top deck, Scot and Clay in tow My Concealer is Running AGAIN! Damnit!!.

“What?” everyone asked in confusion.

The girls looked at each other, they knew what it meant. “We’ve been trans…” Paige started.

“…ported back in time.” Heather finished.

Then they stared at their boyfriends, “Again,” they said in unison. And then everybody did a happy dance and screwed. The end.


[User Picture]From: ellen_mirai
2005-11-26 05:29 am (UTC)
Don't yell at me for posting! You have to admit this was a needed to be know horribly fic that couldn't be posted by just anyone!
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[User Picture]From: mnwugn86
2005-11-26 12:48 pm (UTC)
Why would we rebuke you for posting a fic? You're welcome to post anytime. At least, I'm okay with it. Anyway, that fic was hilarious! Nice find.
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[User Picture]From: ellen_mirai
2005-11-26 05:10 pm (UTC)
Well, I am not "registered" as one of the writers on here, but I felt I needed to make an addition. That fic was horrible, but funny to make comments about.
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[User Picture]From: diana_lucifera
2005-12-23 03:30 am (UTC)
It's fine. The community has been dying anyway, since Thae and I started working on another project. Anyone who wants to can post now, since the whole "daily" thing fell through.
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[User Picture]From: diana_lucifera
2005-12-23 03:32 am (UTC)
Ugh. Someone's been watchin a little too much Charmed, methinks. Stop mixing your fandoms in such horrible ways, Suethor, I BEG of you!
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[User Picture]From: elrohirsgirl
2006-02-21 03:02 pm (UTC)
DEAR SWEET MANWE!! that was just...horrible...commences coutdown of doom








there much MUCH better...

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From: (Anonymous)
2007-09-02 05:08 pm (UTC)
Ok, someone's definitely been watching too much Charmed. Paige and Alyssa? Seriously?

Also, a Warlock isn't a male witch, it's an evil one. Just thought you'd like to know. (It's latin-or-something for traitor)
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From: (Anonymous)
2009-06-10 03:13 am (UTC)
That, uh, really depends on who you ask, actually. Warlock can be used for a "male witch", and that is actually how it is generally used- sort of like "gay" meaning "happy" and now more commonly "homosexual". Words evolve over time.
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[User Picture]From: soul_encoded
2007-11-13 01:20 am (UTC)
"And God's new name was Andrew because Jehovah was really outdated." The best cynical line ever? Pretty much.
The really question though is , why didn't they call security? and being such huge movie stars wouldn't they have body guards to ward of psycho fan girls?
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[User Picture]From: soul_encoded
2007-11-13 01:23 am (UTC)
But if it's any condolence , when the not-so-fantastic-four got back to wherever it was they were from, they were probably killed for practicing magic.
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